Aveline Rousseau (gns_aveline) wrote,
Aveline Rousseau

Heavy Reflections

Shifting through the parchment on the table in front of me, I wince absently at the soreness in my breasts and struggle to find some sense of comfort as I adjust my bra while reading the request forms from the Auror division. I would normally be embarrassed with my actions, but given that I decided to work from home today, I wasn't too worried about anyone popping in on me except Charlie and he was currently in a meeting at the Ministry regarding the Dragon Task Force. The remaining minutes of the sun poured in through the wide windows of the sitting room and warmed me as I worked. A small silver spoon stirred my tea slowly while I shuffled through the parchment, adding my signature where needed. I usually didn't like to work at home, but with the greasy feeling in my stomach this morning, and the spacious rooms of the house, it wasn't difficult for Charlie to convince me to stay this morning.

I loved this house, still marveled that Charlie was able to find it, and the fact that he simply...gave it to me. I didn't know who he got it from, though I was still curious, but that was a conversation for another time. A part of me I wanted to make sure that we were equal in whatever we bought, or shared. That way if something were to happen in the future...if Tonks were to decide she was bored with Randall and wanted Charlie back...we could divide up our assets properly, without conflict.

I grimaced as I placed my quill down and pulled the spoon from my tea cup. I didn't particularly enjoy thinking about Charlie reuniting with Tonks, but I knew it was a very real possibility. She was the love of his life, the woman he pined over for ten, long, ridiculous years. The woman he used me to to forget a few years back. But I was enjoying what we shared now. Friendship, comfort...the baby was so completely unexpected, but also something that I would cherish, regardless of what happened in the end between Charlie and myself. I didn't want to say, couldn't say, that I was in love with him. I loved him very much, but to allow myself to be vulnerable to another man, especially one who was in love with Tonks, much like Whizzy was...is... would be a mistake on my part. I admired Charlie once before, pursued him at Hogwarts, only to be rejected, whether he knew it or not, the moment Tonks came sniffing about. Now I found myself caring for him more and more every day. I trusted him completely, but it was just too soon to trust myself with him.

Sighing at the brewing headache and the slight cramps in my abdomen, I set my cup down and stood, wandering to the back of the house where I pushed open the french doors into the garden. Spring has arrived, and flower buds were slowly beginning to blossom along the stone pathway. I breathed in the warm, fresh air and closed my eyes. My life has changed dramatically and I was still learning on how to deal with it.

Would I be a good mother? I could only remember bits and pieces about my own upbringing before my parents died and Luc and Volette were not the best guardians a young girl could have. Would I turn into Babette and set aside my daughter's (or son's) true happiness because of my own selfishness? Would Charlie ever forgive me if he found out what I had done in the past, what I may do in the future? It was all hanging over me, applying extra weight to the pressure on my shoulders. Babette could destroy me if she wished...she could ruin everything I have worked for, and gained. I remained by her side, partly by fear...partly by loyalty. I just didn't know what to do anymore, I didn't know who to trust, other than Charlie.

I returned inside and headed upstairs to take a bath. When the tub was filled, I undressed and slipped into the bubbles, sighing as the water began to soothe my aches. I relaxed and lifted my hands from the water, watching the bubbles slide down, between my fingers. The indention of my wedding ring was nearly gone. I smoothed my thumb over the vacated spot thoughtfully. It didn't look as "naked" as it had when I first took it off. The rings sat in a small jewelry box, hidden deep underneath the clothes in my wardrobe. I didn't know what Whi...Randall had done with his wedding band. Perhaps he chucked it into the Thames after Tonks returned to him.

I felt the tiniest twinge of pain in my heart. It wasn't as prominent as it was when I first left Randall, it didn't steal my breath and cause tears to well it my eyes. It was still there, but it was duller now...a small ache quickly replaced by another emotion as my hand falls into the water and slides over my stomach.

I enjoyed my bath, washed my hair, and then slipped from the tub, wrapping a towel about my body. I moved into our bedroom, still in a disarray of boxes. I had wanted to get a house elf to help with the chores a house of this size would require, but Charlie had insisted on doing it ourselves. He had a large family, where everyone pulled their own weight...I had house elves and servants. I supposed we could find a happy medium somewhere. I dropped my towel and prepared to search for a nightdress to slip on. I caught my reflection in the full length mirror and paused. I ran my hand over my stomach again, frowning at the sight of my swollen breasts and now...now this pooch starting to take over. I looked horrible...out of shape and...and...fat!

I bet Tonks, even at nine months pregnant, was going to look beautiful. If not naturally, she could maintain her beauty through her morphing, I was sure of it. Slumping on the edge of the bed, I begin to cry tears of intense frustration. I hated being pregnant, hated Charlie for getting me pregnant, hated Whizzy for getting Tonks pregnant and most of all hated Tonks for looking so damned perfect while being pregnant. My tears slid down my cheeks faster and I balled my hands against my thighs. How was I suppose to keep Charlie, compete for his affection, when I mirrored a Hippogriff while doing it?
Tags: babette delacour, baby, charlie weasley, nymphadora tonks, whizzy worthington
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